The new Catwoman movie makes me wonder just what is up Hollywood’s butt. Catwoman, the holy pillar of sexy superheroines, now needs to bare her midriff and show some cleavage to pass the Hollywoody test? Jesus, have you seen Lee Meriweather? That catsuit put a lot of men my age into instant puberty. Though I don’t know what the makeup artist’s obsession with spiking Julie Newmar’s eyebrows was about.

At least they didn’t skimp on the story. “Let’s make her a hot zombie again, that worked for Tim Burton. And let’s make her a cosmetic saleswoman, because the living symbol for a strong woman oughta be not too bright and know how to make herself up for her man.

Who can we get to play her? Well, Halle Barry tests well in geek audiences having played Storm and a Bond girl. Plus, she won an Oscar and showed her boobies in Swordfish! Not to mention we can get a free ethnicity boon! Perfect!”

Despite the decidedly lame color-based names given to half of the characters, DC Comics are well-written and have some of the greatest characters in our modern mythos. Why can’t they take the Marvel route and follow the stories they already have? Spiderman was practically word for word* for the first hour, and it worked perfectly, even for the fanboys.

If my hopes for the new Batman movie are shattered by a steaming pile like Catwoman promises to be, I may have to swear off DC movies altogether. I’m sure they’re scared.

* – replacing the original “Radioactive” buzzword with the updated “Genetically Engineered”.