If you haven’t heard or seen Mitchell and Webb, as they are difficult to get hold of here in the states, I recommend you rectify that situation forthwith. Perhaps with a viewing of what may be my favorite tiny sketch of theirs: Can people levitate? I’ve been listening to their radio show and watching clips of them on youtube for some time. BBC, please give us in the U.S. access to these guys in DVD form, won’t you?

I’m still trying to keep up with writing ten paragraphs a day, but it is getting more difficult. I find myself unwilling to tread the same ground when I know people are reading. I am debating college. Blah. I am frustrated with my weight loss. Blah. I am a gamer, but I have no time to game. Blah. I am trying to be an actor, but self-conscious about my appearance and ability. Blah.

Why should I be self-conscious about that I wonder? I am mildly embarrassed that I come off as a Rennie or a gamer trying to be an actor, but I sort of AM. Besides, one of the more professional-seeming people with whom I have worked (and by whom I was intimidated) I have recently found to be a successful cosplayer. In the imaginary and absurd geek hierarchy, I am supposedly one step more socially balanced than her.

She’s lovely and talented and confident, though, and I don’t see those things in myself. Somehow I can accept these things in other people, even admire their verve in pursuing what makes them happy. This is true about my friends in the Ohio Renaissance Festival, as well. While it is not the most lucrative or respected field, they truly enjoy it. Oh, the horror!

While I maintain that I am someone unconcerned with image, I have become addicted to status. I could call it principle or ambition, but at its heart it is status. Status focused around entertaining. I will spend unnecessary monies to make sure my home is comfortable for my guests. that sounds selfless, but really I want people to remark behind closed doors how nice my place is, etc.

That realization is a little sad to me. I have always masked it with self-sacrifice or consideration, but I can see in myself all these selfish tendencies. I do things to maintain my image, not my principles. I want to be known as the hard-worker, so I work hard. I want to be known as selfless, so I make sacrifices.

It reminds me of a conversation I had with Bjorn where we agreed that all acts are essentially selfish. Even if a person were to make great sacrifices to be in the Peace Corps or some similar organization, they would essentially be helping other people because it makes them feel good. If they did not get that joy out of it, they would not help people. And while the greater good is served by that motivation, is it truly selfless if you gain contentment?

For example, I work extra hours in theater or on friends’ construction projects. I do this because I want to learn more about them and I get satisfaction from the creation of tangible things. Would I be so tireless if I did not care about construction? Will I be willing to work extra when it no longer holds fascination for me? I don’t know. Maybe. I will probably complain more.

Meanwhile, I do enjoy the reputation I have for being someone who is not a prima donna when it comes to theater work. I like to help with every aspect of it thus far. I do worry that I will find myself behind the scenes too often, though. I actually started to pursue community theater because I could feel my resistance to writing myself into high school shows beginning to wane. I do love the spotlight, but it’s not my place to be in a high school production.

I’d like to think that I resist out of principle. When I say it’s not my place, I want to mean that the kids should come first and that my goal is to make their show great for them, not for me. Mostly, that’s true. What’s also true is that I know I would feel foolish in front of that crowd, even if I gave a stellar performance, knowing that I wrote myself into a high school show. I’d be the big fish in that pond, and there’d be no way for any of the littler fish to grow.