This morning I ordered $700 of computer parts to put together a hackintosh. I feel a little buyer’s remorse as I will need some of that money for my future training and vacationing, but considering how long my previous machine lasted, if nothing else, I’ll have a good gaming rig for future fun times.

I seem to have a lot of irons in the proverbial fire at the moment. I feel like I am maintaining a strong balance between stage combat, theater and film work, gaming and my day job, but there are just so many things to manage. I have to wonder how many things I am letting slip. This does not even bring into play my fitness regimen or the general bureaucracy of maintaining my home and my car and what have you. Lot of ins, lot of outs moving around in ol’ Duder’s head.

Soon I am going to have to think about living alone again, too. Clare’s been a real champ about taking care of the household things, despite having her own monumental to-do list. I’m quite proud of her accomplishments. She is finishing up her thesis paper and will be moving on to get her PhD in New York. She’s not nearly as intimidated by that city as I am. For the moment, I’m not even a big enough fish for the Milwaukee pond.

It was very encouraging when I was in Vegas last that people thought I was a contender for the Best Actor award. I personally thought I was maybe 8th or 9th best, and even if my friends were only stroking my notably fragile ego it purred and pushed against their hands. I think of myself as a strong actor, but many of my friends I consider to be even stronger.

I struggle against that, in a way. I want to blow people away, not simply be good. I haven’t got any sort of natural bonuses in the way of attractiveness, so I am relying on my ability like many others. But my ability is not necessarily a standout, I find. I do think I have exceptional integrity for someone in a field based on being something you’re not, but that’s not a trait written in neon on a black sky.

Here I go again, complaining. Being “forced” to write a certain amount everyday sort of leaves me with the same shit, different day syndrome. I end up boring myself. Granted, the whole point of this daily writing is not to edit and simply write what I am thinking. It reminds me of when I read my old journals and I find the same complaints with different dates.

Luckily, I am past my financial distress entirely. I am living within my means, with savings beginnind to become a possibility. Just in time for the economy to go tits up. Believe me when I say I find that really, really funny. Also, I don’t have to write about obsessing over a particular woman any longer. I got me a great lady, so any pining, stalkery bluster is anesthetized by juice from the happy gland.

No, all of my flowery language is now reserved for — and indeed aimed at — the underlying psychological issue of my self-doubt. Strangely, I think it was what stood in the way of my being better friends with Jess. Because we both suffered from cripplingly low self-esteem yet were somehow also ego cases, we were miserable (sorry if I’m presuming on your part, Jess). Now, we have both come into our own (though she in a greater and more measurable way), we get along swell. I don’t see my misery reflected in her, and neither of us beats ourselves up as much as we used to. The world does enough of that, eh?

The polarity remains, though. Ego is a prerequisite of being an actor. Ego feeds presence, self-esteem strengthens emotion on stage. You cannot be afraid to let go. This is not to say one has to be immodest or narcissistic; however, even to play a weaker character, one has to have the strength to be open to the audience. Frankly, I am not there yet. The few times I have been in the moment entirely have been exhilirating, only to be overanalyzed by my own criticism.

I should be clear here, as my language can be admittedly maudlin at times. The criticism typically manifests in my brain as a chiding for being less than amazing. I am more afraid of being mediocre than of being awful. Mediocrity is forgettable. If you’re truly terrible, though, you can work with that.