Some people see marriage as a sign of maturity, and my resistance to it as a neurosis which I have not yet overcome, rooted in Peter Pan fantasy and well-grounded fear from seeing so many important relationships in my life fail at marriage.

I do not see it this way, though that evidence is valid. Instead, I see marriage as a gesture of relent to societal and media pressure, another capitulation to a flawed system.

You’re damn right I don’t want to grow up. Grown-ups give up on their dreams. Grown-ups put aside their sense of self in order to make life easier on themselves, often times pressuring their children to become the thing they failed to realize in a surreptitious form of eugenics.

I may very well be a sociopath. I may be megalomaniacal, beacuse I demand that the world take notice of me. My name will be on people’s lips when I am gone; people will rush to be the first to know more about my life.

Clare and I have discussed how we have low self-esteem, yet are elitist, even snobby. We feel we are entitled by our intellects to something greater than the “common man,” yet we feel obligated to act humbly. We are infuriated and somehow made impotent by those who feel entitled to more by the simple fact that they are alive.

I don’t really know how to end this, but it has been on my mind for a while, as I found this as a saved draft in my WordPress system. And identity is still a struggle for me, as I imagine it is for other people. I think I will try and publish my other drafts today, as well.