Mired.
Sorry, folks. I am just not up to blogging proper this week. For those of you who are internet voyeurs or simply friends who like to keep up on my shit by reading this, here is a short list of what is going on in my head:
- I feel cursed when it comes to finances, particularly in regards to cars. I was really starting to surface from the check-by-check thing. Hell.
- I decided to go to my reunion after all. I am hoping to find some closure with two people in particular, maybe see a few old friendly faces (possibly for the last time) and try desperately not to feel inadequate. I only get one ten-year high school reunion and if I do not like it, I will not go to any others.
- Despite going back to Tae Kwon Do and working diligently toward my goals of becoming stage combat proficient and acting and teaching and black belt-ing, I have been feeling increasingly insignificant, untalented, and useless. No, I do not want to be cheered up; I want to succeed at something and have my friends and family actually give a damn. That is what I want.
- I have started wearing a black rubber bracelet that says “Corporate Whore” as a silent protest to having to play the part of the satisfied employee at work. While my manager is doing all in his power to help me, I still feel lower class at this place and that simply should not be.
Play the part. Wait it out. Time will tell.
So, I lied. That last post led to this outpouring.
I have been spending more time wth my friends, lately, and I am not certain who are my peers any longer. I enjoy their company. That is not what I mean. I have friends who are my equal or better in different aspects. That is not what I mean. But none of my close friends (except maybe Bjorn) are really on the same page with me where life goals are concerned.
I get the feeling that they look at me as the charming but ineffectual slacker, the moody, immature dreamer who will never amount to much. I have been that in the past and I am paying for the sins of my youth now. But, I have become active in my pursuit and in my follow-through and my current plans are not frivolous or unrealistic. Nor are they lofty or impossible.
By the same token, I sometimes see my friends and family as sad automatons, blindly locked into societal constraints that I question daily, worker ants playing by rules that are engineered to oppress the apathetic or ignorant. They seem to think that I do not understand the world as it is. I am not ignorant to realism, but neither will I be beaten down by that feeling that only the chosen are allowed to excel. I am not growing up and slowly coming to the realization that this is my lot in life. I am grown up and struggling to show that it is not.
The people I love frown disapprovingly or smile patronizingly when I say I am going to work on set in Hollywood and New York. People do it. Why not me?
I am not saying I will be Brad Pitt or William Hobbs (famous fight choreographer) in two weeks. I am saying that I am going to work my ass off and become a damn good stuntman and actor, now that I know that it is what I want to do. I am saying I will probably work in theater or teaching, but that I have it on good authority that I could work in Hollywood and New York with the talent I have always had and the determination and discipline I have learned to have. This is not a get-rich-and-famous quick scenario. It is a real goddamned career and it is the one I want. You would think I would have more than one person supporting me in this.
That is somewhat unfair to my friends, as not all of them know I have chosen this path. But, I can predict their indifference. I am loathe to bring up my intentions lest with their indifference they stifle what self-esteem to which I cling.
Then again, I am sure a lot of my friends are pissed that I do not celebrate weddings or births or house buying or promotions or whatever with them. Those non-events to me feel so transient. I celebrate my friends’ education milestones, or publications, or productions. But the other things — the prescribed life things — I do not understand. Perhaps I am over-rationalizing, but I see no difference between a committed couple and a married couple, between a homeowner and an apartment renter.
Maybe I am cynical and jaded, or maybe I am closer to Buddhism than I thought. I do not know. I do know that I am not wired to live that life. Marriage, house, children, job — in my brain, their presence or absence make no difference; I have a job only so that I do not starve or freeze. If I am to have children, I may get married to facilitate custody and insurance and the like. Beyond those mundane details, I have no consideration for them whatsoever. And I find it hard to get excited about any of them.
But I have real respect for my friends who have achieved knowledge or reknown through their accomplishments. I show support then. I have encouraged people along paths that they abandoned weeks after. Now that I finally know what I want to do with my life, they simply sigh (or will likely so so) through their smiles, wondering when I will give up.
I have not in the past dedicated myself to anything, and this is no different to them. But it is different. Yet, even when I have succeeded in this, it will not have the status it deserves in their eyes. To them, that is all I was suited to do, having failed to graduate with a “real” degree or succeed in the corporate sector. I’m convinced (perhaps inaccurately) that even were I to achieve stardom, that I would still be considered a failure by many of my friends and family.
It seems like unless I go through the relatively meaningless act of a wedding, I am not likely to hear much praise from my friends or family. And I wish I understood.
“Then again, I am sure a lot of my friends are pissed that I do not celebrate weddings or births or house buying or promotions or whatever with them. Those non-events to me feel so transient. I celebrate my friends’ education milestones, or publications, or productions. But the other things — the prescribed life things — I do not understand. Perhaps I am over-rationalizing, but I see no difference between a committed couple and a married couple, between a homeowner and an apartment renter.”
~~~~~
The point isn’t your understanding or the importance that you ascribe to these events. What matters is that the event is important to the person being celebrated. If an event is important to a friend of mine and they want me to be there, I’ll be there because I care about them, not because I necessarily care about the event.
Aside from that, I’d suggest taking the time to have an honest-to-god conversation with some of your friends instead of just observing and assuming. You might be surprised…
Comment by SixPence — 3/1/2006 @ 5:21 pm
Conversations are overrated. =P
“That is somewhat unfair to my friends, as not all of them know I have chosen this path. But, I can predict their indifference. I am loathe to bring up my intentions lest with their indifference they stifle what self-esteem to which I cling.”
Sorry, I posted and edited as you were commenting. A lot of this has changed somewhat, so you may want to have another read.
You’re right about the point being the importance in the person’s mind. I don’t understand why *they* find it important, either, and that confuses me even more. I cannot understand why they put so much sotck in it, and that makes me a bad friend to them. Since none of my friends has been able to satisfactorily make clear to me *why* it’s important to them, I have no ability to be passionate about it. I still go and celebrate, but my heart’s in the party, not the event. I recognize the importance, but do not understand it. Does that make sense?
Comment by steelbuddha — 3/1/2006 @ 5:22 pm
That does make sense. And I don’t think I have any better explanations than anyone else, really. For me, both marriage and buying a home have been about truly choosing a path. Finally having something concrete in a life that’s felt very transient for many years. That and it was important for me (and Mike) to go through the public ceremony – in order to fulfill our needs and, yes, to certain degree the expectations of our families. *shrug* I don’t have your skill with words in these kinds of discussions. :)
As for your career, I’d like to go on record (as someone who just found out) that if there is anyone in the world who can do it, it is absolutely you. I’ve always thought you have incredible talents (despite our disagreements) and I think you would be a fucking kick-ass stuntman. Since I already know you’re a great actor, it sounds like an ace in the hole to me. :D
PS – Mike wanted to mention two things (since he’s too lazy)… 1) Remember that he’s skeptical and ambivalent about pretty much everything. You should see how he’s been taking the idea of me opening my own business! ;) 2) What happened with the car?
Comment by SixPence — 3/1/2006 @ 10:27 pm
i bought a couch… a kinda expensive couch. that’s about as much as *I* want for commitment right now…
Comment by izzy — 3/2/2006 @ 12:04 am
The car’s all set (kinda). Axle and joint were replaced, ran me about $250.
Comment by steelbuddha — 3/2/2006 @ 12:27 am
“That is somewhat unfair to my friends, as not all of them know I have chosen this path. But, I can predict their indifference. I am loathe to bring up my intentions lest with their indifference they stifle what self-esteem to which I cling.”
It seems that this is not your friends’ problem, for it sounds like you have an extensive lack of faith in them and your relationships with them. You fear this indifference, and yet and I could have assured you passionate and sincere elation at your dream and my unquestioning support in your journey. That’s at least one friend that you could have counted on.
Where did your faith – in anything – go? Have you ever had any?
-btw, the tone of this isn’t supposed to be taken as angry or condescending, but more confused, exasperated, and somber. So there you go.
Comment by Loricious — 3/2/2006 @ 12:23 pm
I am pretty sure our psychologist (psychiatrist?) friend would have a similar opinion. I considered it myself, that my own insecurity leads to my projection of indifference onto others. But I do have reason to believe that indifference would be the case.
And while your enthusiasm (and Sixpence’s) are appreciated, I still doubt the sincerity of support I receive from friends and family. When I anticipate that they will be apathetic to things in which I believe strongly, I base that opinion more on past experience than fear.
I blame myself to some extent, as I am not typically excited by the things my friends and family are. In most cases, I would not expect excitement in return, but this is the one time I sort of hope for it. The rational part of my brain is telling me that I should not.
And no, I have really no faith in anything or anyone (including myself). I have trust (and sometimes hope), but that is something more rational, fluid and fragile than faith. While you believe your faith is your strength, my faith has only ever lead to me being gullible or disappointed. Won’t get fooled again, that sort of thing.
Comment by steelbuddha — 3/2/2006 @ 3:30 pm
that’s really dire, and yes, unfair. i have trust issues in people around me, but i at least welcome the chance that someone will prove me wrong. i know that my issues are within me, not within my friends.
Comment by izzy — 3/2/2006 @ 10:01 pm
I admit it is bitter, but I think it is partially fair. I am making a prediction based on evidence, not conjecture.
Comment by steelbuddha — 3/2/2006 @ 11:37 pm
Do you consider yourself a nihilist?
Comment by Kate — 3/3/2006 @ 5:31 pm
No. I should not think so.
Comment by steelbuddha — 3/3/2006 @ 6:04 pm