So, I accused my girlfriend last night of having absolutely no train of thought. Where her train should be, she has a technologically superior thought-transmission device which merely transports her active consciousness from one place in her expansive and alien brain to another instantaneously and without connection to its previous location. Untraceable, except perhaps by some super team of electron jockeys.

Then, I got up this morning, had my morning commute and suddenly found myself ruminating (people at work might see this pun) on a girl I had met “online” in the old days of pine and finger. (On a sidenote, “pine and finger” is a phrase with endless possibilities; if you steal it, I’ll pine and finger you in a very uncomfortable way.)

At any rate, I was suddenly no longer swept along in my own stream-of-consciousness. Instead, I had clung to a rock, dragged my way on top of it and used binoculars to find the source of such a ferocious current. Let me give you a glimpse of my (not bizarre, probably, but amusing, I think) brain’s ridalin-deprived frenetia (that might not be a word, but I think it is far better than the likely “freneticness”).

You’ll have to click below to get the whole story. Go on. It’s not hard, but it is long. And yup, that’s an innuendo.

Thought the first: For reasons that must be forever hidden for the safety of the planet, the word (?) “Shiznit” is running through my head.

Thought the second: loop of movie clip featuring Jamie Kennedy saying “I’m the shiznit” in an alarmingly endearing way. (from “Malibu’s Most Wanted”)

Thought the third: the few times my girlfriend and I have watched “The Jamie Kennedy Experiment,” we have laughed in an “uproarious” fashion. I am mildly ashamed. Still, that’s the closest I’ve ever come to reality TV.

Thought the fourth: When JKX, as the kids call it, is over, a dubiously improvised show called “On the Spot” is on. It is occasionally funny, and it had Jack Black *and* Andy Richter *and* the highly underestimated Tim Conway as guest stars (each a different week). Chip Eston, of “Whose Line?” fame, hosts the show, but in the titles he is listed as Charles Eston. Before this I had no idea that Chip could be short for Charles.

Thought the fifth: Chip, the lovable teacup from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, had one of the more clever character names I think they’ve come up with. What was his mother’s name? You know the teapot voiced by Angela Lansbury? Let’s see, there was Lumiere the candlestick, Cogsworth the clock (voiced by the brilliant David Ogden Stiers (if you don’t know who he is, you should definitely consider clicking the link))…damned if I can remember that fucking teapot’s name.

Thought the sixth: A scene where a young fresh Asian-American animator is proposing the character design for Cogsworth to faceless execs. “You see, the spell turns him into a clock, and the clock face is, well, his face and the hands of the clock droop down so that they resemble a moustache.”

Thought the seventh: At least it wasn’t another in the line of uninspired and trite anthropomorphic cutesies they usually create. They haven’t had really good character design since that movie. Although Monsters, Inc. was quite good.

Thought the eighth: A possibly nonexistent behind-the-scenes reel from Monsters, Inc. where John Goodman is going on about how each of the gazillion hairs on Sully’s body had to be individually animated. Actually, each hair could simply have variables for color, movement and whatnot, but I don’t know if that qualifies as “individually animated.” Why do I think that given time I could make a hair animation system?

Thought the ninth: There must be a universal root of all computer language either separate or linked or one with the universal root o all human language. Maybe I’m closer to discovering that than I think. I thought I was close once when Vibeke, a college friend, spoke Danish and we all thought it was English tht we simply couldn’t understand.

Thought the tenth: The word universal applies to everything in the universe just as global covers everything on the globe. What does colossal encompass?

Thought the eleventh: Why can’t I spell the word colossal in my head? Is there an a at the end or an o?

Thought the twelfth: There’s certainly no a in Colossus, the mythic character or the X-man.

Thought the thirteenth: X-2 tonight! Hoo-ray! I’m glad Colossus is in it, even if just for a minute.

Thought the fourteenth: The only article I’ve ever read at Aintitcoolnews was the recent X-2 review. They list Colossus in the credits as Peter Rasputin, instead of his comic name with the correct Cyrillic, Piotr Rasputin.

Thought the fifteenth: I’m more worried about the Rasputin part. Who came up with that? Not very heroic sounding, even given the nature of that character.

Thought the sixteenth: I always thought his last name was Radmanov, or something. Radmanovich? Oh wait, no. That was Wendy Radmanovich, whose email address was radmanov@uwp.edu. She corrected me over the little unix chat thing when we met at random in the computer lab.

Thought the seventeenth: When we met in person, she had a backout buddy with her. I was only being polite by meeting her in the first place. No reason to act like I was going to get gushy or stalky. I was probably even less impressed than she was. Still, she saw me and forgot that she had plans with her buddy that could not include the three of us having coffee (not even sex coffee). A friendly cup of college coffee too terrifying for you, Wendy?

Thought the eighteenth: Why the hell can I remember that girl’s name? I knew her for all of a half an hour, didn’t like her much based on that, and haven’t thought about her since. I really could use that brain space. You know, to remember where I put that… thing.

And then, the stream of consciousness was over. It took me almost half an hour to make a full trace, proving I’m really good at confusing myself. No wonder my girlfriend has such an easy time of it. I’m such a hypocrite.