Mawwiage.
People won’t shut up about this. Included in “people” is my own home-making instinct. Precedents have been set in my life to deter me from marriage. My mother’s been divorced twice, many of my aunts and uncles have been divorced. My grandparents are from a time when divorce was anathema, and so have endured. I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m just afraid of marriage.
Then again, many of my friends are happily (?) married. Gay people all over the country are fighting for the right to be legally recognized in marriage. My engaged friends think of it as a boon and often are thrilled in the discussion of it.
But, honestly, what is the draw? I have never understood it, possibly for the reasons above. Before I go any further, I should state that this is not a criticism of marriage, married people, engagement, or engaged people. You have your reasons, I’m certain, and I know it is something that makes you happy. But I, without sarcasm, cannot understand how it would make *my* life any different.
I am not one for personal spectacle. While I am happy to share in those moments with my friends, I am uncomfortable with events in general. I find that the stress leading up to such things can outweigh the event itself. And if that’s true, then why would I do that to myself? Also, I find that many events (not necessarily weddings, but sometimes) are actually non-events. Like Ayn Rand or Mr. Incredible might say they are simply celebrations of conformity or mediocrity or the simple ticking of the clock. I’m up for a New Year’s bash like anyone, but I’m not going to stress about making it memorable. Memories come on their own, and often shy away from force.
Events which are truly events have significance outside of their date and their planning. A play is just a play, but a play that is the culmination of months of hard work, of commitment, and of a burgeoning sense of confidence, and maybe of self-realization is an event. Perhaps this is what draws people to marriage, or more specifically, to weddings.
What commitment I have made to my girlfriend (for lack of a better term) is personal to me. It does not involve other people. I need no symbol of that bond, much like I need no photo to remember something that changed my life. The record is to share with other people, and I understand that, but I am selfish of my love. Also, I am fond of the storyteling tradition. Rather than show a record of something, I would prefer to tell the story so that the person can understand my emotional attachment to it. And my memory is typically like a Xerox copy, anyway. Ask anyone who knows me.
So, (assuming the spiritual connection is already present) without an event, without a symbol, what is a marriage? A legal merging of two people for the purposes of custody and financial representation? Fair enough. But if something should happen to split my girlfriend and me, I would likely be emotionally wrecked. Why would I want to deal with the added trouble of legal and financial woes? A secular government really has no place in marriage, apart from determining custody, and so while I believe gay people should have equal rights when it comes to marriage, I more believe that marriage should be illegal, or more accurately, alegal.
As for children, that seems to be the sticking point for me. Eventually, I would like to have children with my girlfriend. But will it be more difficult for us or for the children if we don’t have that legal documentation of our spousal status? I’m not certain. It seems to work for Mil. We have discussed what names our children would have (probably mine), but the concept of marriage only really seemed to be a good idea when we were talking about insurance, particularly since she is currently in school and not working full-time. We were almost ready to head to the courthouse that afternoon and just get the damned paper.
I’ve been thinking about it for some time, as should be obvious, but I’ve yet to come to a conclusion. Even following her divorce, my girlfriend still sometimes thinks about having a nice wedding (her first was a disaster, to hear her tell it). Is my rationalization denying her something that would make her happy? Or is it better that I not pursue something so counter to my beliefs, even if my motive is to please her?
Regardless, it’s not likely to happen soon, if ever. Meanwhile, I will enjoy the open bars and dance floors my friends are providing.
Marriage may not be something for you. I didn’t think it was something for me, either (mom married 4 times, grandmother married 4 times, dad married twice, one brother now into his 5th long term relationship, aunts and uncles, etc.) I believe there are many people for whom marriage is a time waster, for whom it means nothing, and who simply shouldn’t marry. Doesn’t mean they can’t or shouldn’t have relationships however they want. They just won’t be happy married.
Legally, in our country, marraige automatically puts into place rules and laws concerning property, money, and children. Getting those things handled without using those laws requires a lot of other paperwork. For gay people, that’s some of the larger portions of it (a gay friend of mine lost his partner to a stroke. Because he had no legal protection, he also lost the home they had shared for 12 years. His partner died without a will, and everything went to his next of kin. Another gay friend was not allowed into the hospital emergency room with his partner of 10 years. Interestingly, if he’d been a woman instead, they would never have questioned “her” insistance she was his wife, nor required to see the liscence)
Marriage is also a symbol, a tradition with a very long standing and lots of meaning in many cultures. If you don’t believe in symbols, don’t accept or use them, then no, marriage will not mean much to you. Marraige, at least in our culture and in its highest form, is nothing but a symbol of serious commitment demonstrated to everyone ELSE in the culture. It’s been around so long that it takes some deep examination to pull up all the associations we have with it. They aren’t obvious, usually, and they don’t always make sense.
I can only go by what I’ve observed, and that is this — people who are “in a long term relationship” signal to many others that they are still “a little bit” available. People still look for wedding rings to assertain if someone else is a potential partner (for whatever reason). Women will wear “false” wedding rings to ward off guys in bars.
I can’t tell you why marriage is real for me, exactly, only that I see myself as part of something and I’ve declared it to the world in very specific, symbolically understood terms. I am not the same person I was when I lived with my mate, nor is our relationship quite the same. We’ve accepted the symbolic meaning of our relationship.
For the record, I was married in the courthouse and later had a “handfasting” ceremony. The courthouse registered me with the state and set in motion all the laws. The handfasting, filled with promises we wrote and made to each other, symbols important to us, and attended by friends and family we wanted as witnesses and celebrants, was where all the meaning was.
Comment by Sherri — 1/11/2006 @ 2:27 pm
Thanks, Sherri. I’m glad to have other perspectives.
I will say in my experience, in modern times, a ring still signals “a little bit available,” but that’s due to the overwhelming bad marriage rate. Still, close to half of marriages are happy. I still have to think about whether the whole thing is meaningful to me. If it isn’t, then I shouldn’t, right? Or maybe… I should because it’s meaningless to me, but meaningful for others and I shouldn’t mind if it has no meaning… I’m so baffled.
And I think your gay friends got shafted (so to speak).
Comment by steelbuddha — 1/11/2006 @ 2:40 pm
Wow, Sherri. Well put. I haven’t been able to quite “see it” from SB’s perspective. My “why not’s” blinded me from seeing his “whys”. Your symbolic emphasis finally opened my eyes to his point-of-view. For example, I no longer accept Communion in any church, especially Catholic, because I do not believe in the ritual. But I bow my head and let people do what they need to do to follow their own beliefs. I see a similarity between the two.
SB, we often don’t agree, but you always have my friendship! Rock on, good buddy!
Comment by Loricious — 1/11/2006 @ 11:12 pm
I think you may have that backwards, Loricious. I have all kinds of reasons “why not” to get married. My problem is coming up with a “why.”
Comment by steelbuddha — 1/12/2006 @ 10:39 am
You know, there are some studies and thinking that says one reason modern marriages tend toward unhappiness is that our expectatins of marriage have changed. Once upon a time marriage was mostly about money and property — getting it increased, having able hands to work, etc. Romantic love was sort of secondary. Now, many people go into marriage thinking that their marriage partner will be the ultimate solution to all their problems. They want instant gratification, total happiness, and oh lord don’t make it like WORK or anything.
I’ve watched it around me. Friends of mine get married and divorced and head into the next relationship looking for all they didn’t have in the last one, and with as little grip on reality as they started with.
And the idea of “old fashioned marriage” forever and ever no matter what is kinda new fangled, too. Back before the modern idea of divorce, people just left each other. And a lot of marriage was “common law” — you lived together long enough, you were married. ANd people died a lot earlier, so being married more than once was sort of “average”.
It’s kinda interesting to look back on the history of the idea because — like so much else — a lot of traditions aren’t that old, and not everything we think “was always this way” was really always that way.
Comment by Sherri — 1/12/2006 @ 5:12 pm
Ironically enough, MHG did a paper on courtly love and its rise with Eleanor of Aquitaine. As recently as 500 years ago, it certainly was more of a property exchange, including the woman herself under the heading of property.
Paraphrasing some wisdom of the time, what does love have to do with marriage anyway?
Comment by steelbuddha — 1/12/2006 @ 5:25 pm
Here’s an interesting note — until the early 20th century (according to my sloppy research) if a man and woman divorced, the MAN automatically retained custody of the children. They were his heirs, and thus his property.
Comment by Sherri — 1/13/2006 @ 4:20 pm
Why get married?
To prove to yourself that you aren’t afraid anymore.
To give the love of your life health insurance.
To get a pile of really cool shit that you had no idea you actually needed.
To choose a path in life that, while not without its personal bumps, allows a somewhat socially smoother ride.
Remember that you are not your aunts or uncles, or your mother, for that matter. The fact that you are reflecting so deeply on something like this means that you are probably more well equipped to make the marriage decision than most.
Getting married doesn’t mean she has to change her name or that you have to go through the brouhaha of a Wedding With A Capital W. A wedding does not a marriage make, and marriage doesn’t need to involve a wedding per se. Some of the best marriages come from simple beginnings. Do it your way or no way at all.
Best of luck- whichever way you decide.
(And by the way, we’ve been married for damn near seven years…and with the right person, it only gets better with time.)
Comment by Kate — 1/24/2006 @ 10:44 pm
Er.
I’m not really afraid, just confused.
That’s a good point.
I don’t want any more shit.
Marriage will not change my relationship. At all. But the smoother bureaucratic process might be nice.
There’s not really a decision to be made, just confusion as to why the symbolism means more to some people than the bond.
Or not at all.
Thanks.
Congratulations!
Comment by steelbuddha — 1/25/2006 @ 12:05 pm
Okay, fair enough…I should have said confused. I think that was what I meant anyway. (And let me preface all this by saying I’m not trying to convince you to change your mind…far from it. I like the discussion, and you’ll live your life how you want.)
If you don’t want shit, that’s cool. Your deal.
Ah. Fallacy. You can’t say definitively that your relationship won’t change if you get married…because you’ve never been there. Can’t say it will change either- but (at least in my experience) there is a definite shift when one takes on the role of spouse.
You will admit though- that the best relationships are both elastic and dynamic…ever growing, changing, deepening. Marriage is a catalyst- it has a changing effect- the level of commitment gets turned up to 11, and you’ve officially declared yourself off the market (as Sherri said, if you ain’t married, you’re still a little free- at least publicly).
Why does the symbolism mean more than the bond? Because we’re raised that way- it’s a social construct. I’m sure the divorce rate has as much to do with the pressure to get married than anything else- it’s something we’re simply supposed to do (according to the nebulous “everyone”) and so people do it. Since divorce is no longer anathema, many figure that they’ll simply get out of the marriage if it’s not the proverbial fairytale.
However, if you’re not one to be bothered with social custom or constraint, do what suits you.
Personally, I agree with you- marriage should be alegal…however, I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I don’t think there should be “marriage licenses” whereby you must get permission from a governmental authority to marry. However, the reason so much of our seemingly unrelated business (finances, health insurance, etc.) is tied to marriage is because it is such a cornerstone of what our society prizes. We are, undoubtedly, encouraged to marry. Studies show married people are happier, live longer, and are generally more fulfilled- perhaps because those who are married have someone to share it all with.
Or not at all, true…but your entry didn’t entirely eliminate the possibility.
Of course!
Thanks.
Comment by Kate — 1/26/2006 @ 11:49 pm
This is exactly my problem with marriage. Nothing actually changes. If I say I’ve committed, is it a lie until we get married? It’s kind of insulting to think that my bond means nothing compared to a marriage vow.
Anyway, I’m glad being married has changed your life. I assure you the only change in my life will be in perception and debt, neither of which mean anything positive to me.
Comment by steelbuddha — 1/30/2006 @ 9:50 am
I don’t think your commitment is a lie- and I wasn’t trying to insult you at all. My utmost apologies if that’s how it came across.
Here’s an analogy: it is said that if you make a goal for yourself, you should tell people about it- you’re far more likely to achieve the goal.
Perhaps it’s likewise with marriage: that a public declaration carries more weight than a private commitment. I don’t think it’s necessarily right. Nor does the public aspect negate the private one.
Comment by Kate — 1/30/2006 @ 12:33 pm
dude, you’re such a boner-kill.
Comment by MHG's asshole brother — 1/31/2006 @ 7:50 am