Caltrop*
Caltrop:
Time to cut all my ties
Time to shed light on the lies
Time to leave this town behind
Freedom; it’s not freedom
Shouldn’t freedom feel more liberating?
Principles never make for happy days
and it it pride or is it justice
or just stupidity?
Am I weak-willed or a tyrant?
To not be stepped on, I have become a caltrop;
Small and hard and sharp everywhere.
But a caltrop can only keep company
with other caltrops.
And they never have much to say, living all in self,
keeping everyone else at bay.
—
Journal:
So where do I begin? It’s difficult to start and even more so to know where to start. After all, when you can’t see the end of something, how can you tell when it really began?
I suppose I’ll first expunge the contents of my mind at present. You see, much of my brain is occupied with tasks, vast lists of things still left to accomplish before I can relax. In reality, the list continues to grow in proportion to what is completed, so there is never really an acceptable time to relax.
I am left feeling like every free moment spent on something enjoyable is stolen from my responsibilites, and while that can often increase the thrill, my adult mind continues to peek its head into my fun and remind me that there is still much to do.
Occasionally, I gain perspective and realize the insignificance (bordering on futility) of my daily work. It is ethereal, working in marketing; sharply so when working on the web. And to have only the hobby of video games to relieve the mindless grind – a hobby which often itself is a mindless grind – only reminds me of my desire to create something of value, if not worth.
There is, of course, the opposite state of things where I am bored to actually seeking out the grind, rather than forcing that boredom to run crashing through the barriers of my writer’s block. But I find myself inspired only during times of war; not literal bloodshed, but those lengths of life where the spirit is wearied from its constant struggle against banality and greed and mediocrity.
I have no love for capitalism. A man’s work should reflect the man, not the general dreariness of the station at which he is trapped. I do not express myself for money, though I long for the time when I have no need of it and can concentrate on leaving my mark.
I know there is some hubris in that statement. I am not contented with small feats. I want to affect the multitude and die famous, or soon-to-be-famous. Revered. Studied. Honored.
It is no easy goal in this society. I haven’t the genetic favor that others have. While I am reasonably attractive, I am not likely to earn my place as an actor through my looks. Indeed, my baldness will likely pigeonhole me or worse, keep me from such work altogether.
This saddens me, that I should be so discriminated against. Not the worst sort of prejudice, certainly, but still prejudice. Could Macbeth not be bald? Or Neo?
* – I wrote these both under fairly extreme stress a few weeks ago.
Strange – I wrote a ‘what am I doing with my life’ kind of post recently too. But for the love of all that’s holy man, don’t worry about baldness! I pretty much lost all mine in my 20s, shaved it all off and haven’t looked back since. Embrace it! And it’s certainly no block to an acting career – Bruce Willis, Patrick Stewart, Sean Connery – great men who made baldness the badge of honour and virility it is today! Let’s face it, I even called my design company Universal Head …
Comment by Universal Head — 11/9/2005 @ 6:59 am
Hehe. Well, I’ve been bald since I was 17, so I’m fairly used to it as a “lifestyle.” But, talking with some of my friends who are more involved with the theater, it became clear — and their consideration may have been influenced also by my being overweight, which is something I can and will rectify — that leading roles may be tough to come by.
I’m learning to be satisfied with being a character actor. Some of my favorite actors have beeen relegated to that position (Miriam Margolyes springs to mind.) I also am very driven in the art of stage combat, so I’m looking into the possibility of becoming a Fight Director with the SAFD as well.
Some of those fine actors you mentioned had hair when they became stars and have borne it gracefully. They’re also ruggedly handsome lads, which goes well with baldness. I’ve got more of a boyish face, which is a combination more likely to get me roles as a giant mutant baby than in an M. Night Shyamalan lead.
Still, I’m focused more on theater than film, so I’m sure I can find consistent work, and with that may come opportunities as a lead, wigged or not.
Thanks, though, for the words of encouragement. Funnily enough, I read your post right after posting mine. You know that I respect your work already, but I wish you all the best in your own endeavours to create your masterpiece in your own… idiom. =)
Comment by steelbuddha — 11/9/2005 @ 10:57 am
You are intelligent, well-spoken, imaginative and a wordsmith beyond compare.
It’s not an uncommon struggle, you know…balancing but-for of modern life. (But for the need to feed/shelter/clothe myself, I could follow my bliss, make my mark, etc.) For you, it’s creative expression. For me, it’s community activism.
Know that you’re not alone. The better angels of our nature force us to remember that which we believe we’ve forsaken; it is in that remembrance that we retain our souls and revive our dreams.
My best to you.
Comment by Kate — 11/14/2005 @ 3:03 pm
“Know that you’re not alone. The better angels of our nature force us to remember that which we believe we’ve forsaken; it is in that remembrance that we retain our souls and revive our dreams.”
Yeah … ummm … uh-huh.
Comment by Universal Head — 11/14/2005 @ 5:01 pm