(Before anyone gets on my case, the wedding I ushed this weekend was lovely and I had fun. That doesn’t change my stance. If you want to be married, more power to you. Does that mean I have to?)

SB: I don’t need the legality thing. I wouldn’t legally get married unless there were some outstanding legal issue that needed resolution. And the ceremony part (whether religious or not) is pretty self-absorbed and puts stress on everyone involved. I just do not get it.

MHG: It’s totally a girl thing. Being married is co-ed. A wedding is a girl thing.

SB: I’m not proposing at this moment, but if I asked you to marry me, would you be allright without a license and a ceremony? Could I take you on a honeymoon, give you a symbol of my commitment, throw a big bash for our friends and family, and be done with it?

MHG: Using wedding terms, a “ring” and “reception?”

SB: A ring and a reception, yes.

MHG: I’m not concerned with anything right now; what concerns me most about the lack of legality is children, but we don’t need to worry about that now either. It really is all about being “their day,” a day for the people getting married.

SB: But people shouldn’t stress about such a thing. I mean, a party doesn’t need months of planning.

MHG: I think the point is to be a spectacle.

SB: Then they should put on a play or something. If you’re going to say “Look at me! Look at us! We’re special!” then it should come with an act. You should have to entertain your guests with more than a bad DJ.

MHG: What, like in Lemony Snicket? or “Wedding: The Movie?” “One man…one woman…”

SB: Yeah, ’cause then you could edit out all the bullshit.

MHG: And the parents could buy the long director’s cut with all the crap that makes moms’ eyes tear up.

SB: Most weddings would just be a trailer, anyway. And, as we know, none of the good parts of the trailer show up in the movie.

MHG: “Wedding: The Trailer,” “Marriage: The Movie.”