I have renewed my focus on improving myself, despite the feeling that it is selfish. I’m only three days into this new outlook, to be objective, but I have worked out at a difficult level, meditated, journaled, and completed chores and other assigned tasks, even in the face of what I consider obstacles. I have even been able to fit in some video game time.

Last night, I turned in another strong performance with the unrehearsed Shakespeare company of which I am a troupe member. I was outshone by a friend, but I held more pride in his performance than any real envy. I want to perform at that level. I want women to look at me in awe the way the dainty, stern-faced woman did at him at the end of the show. I want to have people tell me how blown away they were by my performance. But, this time it felt more like a personal goal than an unyielding vacuum within that needed validation. I want to achieve, and that is different than wanting accolades.

Perhaps that is the confusion most people have when I say I want to be revered and that fame sometimes is the only metric for progress in that arena. Like pride, I think it comes in two forms, one positive and one negative. I want the positive and eschew the negative, in pride, in fame, and in life.

My meditations are encouraging me to distance myself from my thoughts and feelings, as they are not my true identity. I am beginning to understand it, even if it can be difficult to extricate myself from the mire. And I’m using myself instead of oneself, because I am beginning to allow this journey to be mine, and not feel cold when I want things for myself.