In an effort to get myself on my own side, I decided on this journal prompt. Recently, I had a friend visit me, and we discussed into the night our feelings on becoming official experts in our craft. She is stronger-willed than I am, and thus more self-confident (or perhaps vice versa). She has no qualms about putting people in their place when they step over the line. Her skills are greater than mine, which she admits helps with that feeling, but she also gave reverence to my own considerable abilities in the field.

I continued to mull it over, hoping that I would find some way to feel more secure, as I sometimes do, in the 20-plus year journey that has led me to this place, even when so many are willing to dismiss the craft as inessential, or even silly. Even I can recognize that, which makes it very difficult to find any solace there.

One thing I settled on, however, was the notion that I did all this while mastering several other disciplines; that is, in the time it took me to become a recognized expert in the several different weapon styles in the stage combat organizations to which I belong, I also graduated summa cum laude with a degree in literary analysis, earned candidacy as an Equity-level actor, and learned several different coding languages for web and mobile applications. I also wrote a board game, filmed and edited a short film, and enriched my abilities in music and dance. I directed (for payment) several shows at rather large houses, and I became an expert in the performance of the First Folio Unrehearsed Shakespeare style. In short, I have grown.

My best traits are my willingness to take on new challenges with an open mind and heart, and never to dismiss a person out of hand. I give everyone many chances to earn my respect, and even when they have lost it, I welcome in them the desire to make amends. I am forgiving of others, if not myself, and I am a person on whom my friends and colleagues can reply. I am discerning in my taste and steadfast in my core beliefs, but willing to take on new information and tolerant of others (at least, most of the time; no one’s perfect).

So, when my therapist insists that I think of myself as a good person, a person of value, I will try henceforth not to categorize that as disingenuous, equitable, or compulsory, but as his assessment as a professional, even if his job is to build my self-esteem. Somewhere inside me, I know I am of value, or I would long since have ended my own life. I will continue to give more than I take, and hope that my contributions continue to be worthy.