Today, I came of as a complete ass in my opinion to people whom I respect greatly. They are kind to me and listened as I talked about what amounts so heavily to White People Problems. I have many friends who I feel have to do this. When did I become so arrogant? My family thinks of me as a narcissist, who can’t stop talking about himself. Really, I’m just bored. most people’s lives are boring to me. Is that the same as being self-centered? Or is it simply a matter of being on the right-leaning end of the bell curve of human intelligence? Does that statement make me egotistical? Or sociopathic?

I want to cure sources, not symptoms, so to hear someone drone on about their problems only prompts a response that probably seems less humane, even when it would do the most good. I don’t want people to settle for a life that makes them comfortable, but from my position I am safe from most of the aches that others live with. I am white, male, healthy, tall, well-liked, and, most of all, my wife makes enough money that I essentially never have to think about it.

Hopefully, people recognize that I attempt to use that privilege to help as many people as I can, but I doubt that is what they see. I think they see softness and weakness instead of kindness and thoughtfulness. I miss my muse, but that is the one place I’m no longer able to go. The restrictions come from me, as much as anyone, but to know that the rest of my life is justification for my own comfort makes me cringe.

Complacency. Compromise. Commitment. All the same word to me.