I think they should take away my geek card. I don’t give a shit about Hamilton or the new Star Wars except for their cultural significance (Oh my God! HowEVER did they make hip-hop relevant and accessible?). I don’t care about the new Fallout game or the new anything game for that matter. Even the games that made me rock hard in the past (Mass Effect, Dragon Age, etc.) have done almost nothing for me in the last few iterations, or by the “leaking” of information and footage from them.

I don’t care about Trump or Sanders or Cruz or Clinton any more. I’m too tired. Trump is a distraction, Hillary is too egotistical to get in line behind the man who would be best for the country, and feminists don’t always see that what’s best is what’s best and maybe now is not the time for that particular fight. He’d be the first Jew, that’s real change. But I don’t argue.

I’m supposed to be writing three things a day that i’m grateful for, but today, I’m only grateful that I don’t like guns and thus don’t have one, because tonight I would have ended my life. Possibly. I’m too much of a coward, in all likelihood. But any other method takes too much effort.

Why? No reason except reason. Any reasonable person who’s attempting to remove ego would see the logic behind it. I’m miserable, I make other people miserable, I contribute nothing to the greater good… death is the obvious solution to an exceedingly simple problem.

Instead, I canceled my plans to go out and shop (it’s the worst weekend to do so, and would only make me furious), somehwat forgave myself for not completing my daily missions on Habitica, ordered a pizza, and will watch an Adam Sandler movie. That’s right. While others are watching Star Wars or the Packer game, I will enjoy something I hate.

What is to become of me? How does a person of intelligence and self-examination survive the pulling back of the veil? I’m not sure I will.

All I see are people who love things, who at least express some excitement about their hobbies. I can barely get myself to leave the house unless there is some motive. Feeling useful, getting paid, or hidden titillation of some kind. I can’t enjoy social situations because of the pressures to be something bigger than myself. I can’t enjoy friends because I can see that they don’t enjoy my presence unless I’m “on.” If I had the larger goals of fame, renown, success… would it be easier to reconcile? At least then I’d have a reason to be “on,” a reason to go on.

Right now, I’m being told to keep doing what feels good. Except not what actually feels good, because eating bad food is making it worse. Not having a job that makes any money is making it worse. Attempting to find connections in a world full of the false is make it feel worse. What is this hedonism that I’m supposed to find? What is fulfillment? I don’t even know what joy means, much less how to find it.

Pizza has arrived. Back to escapism.