James Lipton’s famous questions as answered by an overstressed wannabe Buddhist.

1. What is your favorite word?
Sandwich.

2. What is your least favorite word?
Management.

3. What turns you on?
Smooth skin. Shiny hair. Lips that move like they’re in some kind of 300 frame-per-second animation. Winks. Tattoos. Sly or coy conversation. That heart-stopping moment when you’re still teasing each other that you might not kiss.

4. What turns you off?
Surrendering to minutiae and not the moment.

5. What sound do you love?
Water: waves, drips, sloshing, rain. Even sometimes having water in my ears.

6. What sound do you hate?
Teeth on forks.

7. What is your favorite curse word?
Fucktard.

8. What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?
Professor, martial arts stuntman, actor.

9. What profession would you not like to participate in?
Clerk. Librarian. Accountant.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like God to say, when you arrive at the pearly gates?
Yup, I do exist, and you were right, I found that funny. Wanna split this ice cream sandwich with me?