Is it punk or is it puritanical?

On my walk into work from my car this morning, I passed a pickup truck parked near MIAD. It had two bumper stickers: “Marriage: One Man, One Woman” and (another that I will paraphrase because my memory is failing me) “Abortion: Two patients enter, only one comes out alive!”

Putting aside for the moment the Thunderdome tone of the second (which existed even outside of my paraphrase), my placid mood turned turgid upon reading these. This was not a rugged pickup truck covered in mud and confederate flags with a gun rack in the back, where stickers promoting such ignorance might be commonplace. No, this was a small Toyota pickup, clean, with still plenty of traction in the tires. The bumper stickers were even in perfect condition, not even showing signs of being in rain, much less hard conditions.

The truck was parked near MIAD, indicating that the owner was likely a student. How could an art student who benefits nothing from a Republican president be so misled? A speech by Governor (choke) Arnold Schwarzenegger at the Republican National Convention spells out what it means to be a Republican. The outright lies in this speech are so obvious to anyone with a brain, I’m surprised he was not booed off the stage. As handler of the 6th largest economy in the world, one should not accuse the people worried about it of being “girlie men” when their family cannot eat.

So, as the image of this pickup sunk in, I realized that this was the truest representation of the Republican party. I seriously considered bashing in the windows of the truck, just so that the wealthy white father of the young fool could help out a working class fellow. I had to swallow the instinct, however. I feel vindicated that I am not as bad as some of the more idiotic supporters of Bush in at least that regard.

Instead, let me paraphrase the Governator (a term I use not ironically, since Mr. Schwarzenegger is so fond of using his movies in his political dealings) and ask some questions that can clarify whether you are a Republican.

If you believe that government should be accountable to the (rich), not the (rich) to the government…then you are a Republican! If you believe a (heterosexual, white, dubiously-Christian male) should be treated as an individual, not as a member of an interest group… then you are a Republican! If you believe (the military) knows how to spend your money better than the government does… then you are a Republican! If you believe our educational system should be held accountable for the progress of our children (despite the fact that they are given no money or benefits) … then you are a Republican! If you believe this country, not the United Nations, is the best hope of democracy in the world … then you are a Republican! (I don’t need to touch that one) And, ladies and gentlemen …if you believe we must be fierce and relentless (and blind to logic) and terminate (Muslims, and in Arnold’s case, Jews) … then you are a Republican!

There is another way you can tell you’re a Republican. You have (blind) faith in (oligarchies), (blind) faith in the resourcefulness of the (extremely rich to circumvent any and all laws for their own benefit) … and (blind) faith in the U.S. economy(‘s dependence on oil). To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: “(Fuck you, asshole!)”

This is what we get. Elect Conan and watch him stick his fingers in his ears singing “la la la, Have faith in Krom; he will make the economy better!”

Huge thanks to Dynagirl for the links.