Is it the journey that matters? That is what many people believe. But, in learning to appreciate the journey, how does one feel fulfilled enough to continue?

In the last few years, I have made colossal strides toward achieving… something. My dream? My goals? Happiness? I don’t really know. I picked a path and I have been clearing brush from it as I go.

Examples or GTFO:

1. Milwaukee Theater

This year, I have moved to professional level theater, recently earning my first stipend for acting work. While I have not had leads or particularly demanding roles in some time, I feel I have brought my skills up a level working with such incredible talents. I am proud of the work that these theaters are producing and my part in them. I won’t deny that it has boosted my spirits somewhat to see my name in print and in association with such terrific work.

Still, I feel a little disconnected. These roles, while challenging in their distance from the person I think I am, have not been terribly fulfilling. A good actor will make any role important, and I have been trying, but I have not felt a connection to them. It’s possible that because they are comedic, supporting roles I have not given them the attention they deserve. Directors rarely have time to work with the supporting cast beyond a few, more generalized notes, so I have not had much feedback from authoritative sources.

Furthermore, I have been booked solid since my audition for Sweeney Todd, which is by far the best problem in the world to have. I only mention it in this mood because it has somewhat robbed me of the excitement of the audition. I test well, which translates into great audition skills — at least, evidence would suggest so. When waiting for the callback, I am as much a mess as anyone, but that thrill when a director chooses me from the talent pool for a show I sought out is incomparable.

I am very pleased that the directors for whom I am working now are putting me into so many of their shows based solely on my reputation, but the audition process is a unique, selfish joy and I guess I have missed that portion of the theater experience in the crazy amount of work I have been doing.

In the past, not many people would have described me as ambitious or hard-working, but these past few months, I have barely had a moment that was not filled with some theatrical wonderment. This is all from my own work and I take pride in that, as well. I only wish that pride took up more space. Something still seems missing.

2. Film, voiceover and stuntwork

Some time ago, I was hired to work on an independent film in Madison. My audition was not great, I thought, but — combined with my stage combat experience — it must have been enough to earn a small role. Things have since been difficult for the director, as scheduling conflicts and his day job have postponed filming until early next year.

This is commonplace, I am sure, but I feel a little depressed when I think about it. This same director got me auditions for motion capture and hired me for some voicework at the high profile video game company he works for. At those auditions, I believe I performed well enough, but certainly not up to my own standards for myself. While the director and the mo-cap staff were very complimentary, I feel that maybe they were simply being polite.

I follow up with emails frequently, because I am pursuing this dream, not waiting on it. I wonder if this has given them the impression that I am too eager or too needy. I am attempting to be proactive — if I may use a word that is rapidly turning foul in my mouth — but I think I may be turning them off with enthusiasm.

Granted, there are extenuating circumstances that make me believe all hope is not lost: mo-cap has not hired for this project yet, voiceover work is halted due to the character needing rewrites, filming is a side project and comes after paying work, etc. In the interest of staying in their minds, however, I would want to email them once a month and make sure they know my availability. If I had an agent, he would no doubt be doing that for me, so why shouldn’t I act in such a way? I don’t know which path to take and the danger of a misstep seems monumental in my mind.

3. Stage Combat

After several years of moving toward professional recognition of my stage combat skills, I was invited to be a teaching assistant at no less than three regional workshops this year, as well as a few workshops of my own devising. This represents a lifelong habit culminating in paid work.

Now that I am recognized as being on a path to certification, I have lost all confidence in my ability. I can teach people specific fights well enough, and given time to teach the basics, I can manage a curriculum that brings my students to a great understanding of theatrical violence. At these workshops, however, teachers are given ninety minutes to teach some very specific focuses in the subject.

My love of the subject notwithstanding, I am not certain I can even do that. It took me over a week to come up with a subject for a class that I felt I could teach. Is this a “careful what you wish for” scenario or am I simply too overloaded to focus on what I want?

4. Education

I passed my class with an A+. I only have about two more years worth of classes to get my degree. At the rate I am taking classes, I will be more likely to get an honorary degree. I was very pleased that even with all the distractions I got myself into, I was able to succeed at such a high level. Furthermore, I never skipped a class which demonstrates the contrast between my attitude today and my attitude ten years ago. I don’t know that the grammar class helped my writing at all, but it was a good step.

It seems to me that night school is mainly focused at grad students and business students, though. I have had difficulty finding a schedule — even if I were willing to give up some theater opportunities — that would allow me to attend a more reasonable amount of classes. Which brings me to:

5. Web Development

After ten years spent as a web developer, and several more prior to that as a production artist for a newspaper, I am beginning to realize that it simply is not for me. I just recently finished a large freelance project for a very high profile video game company, and I take almost no pride in the achievement. With this project, I get no recogntion for the time put in — since almost no one understands the bridge-spanning importance of front-end web development who is not actively engaged in the industry — and poor compensation, despite the company’s profile and expertise in *programming* of all things.

Web development is thankless and undervalued. My company, GS Design, is a rare exception to this rule, but our clients are not necessarily as well-informed as the project managers who work with them. It is exhausting to explain repeatedly that development costs are variable due to the problems of browsers and features added, and to manage interpersonal relationships around that fact only makes me abrasive and difficult in ways I would never have imagined myself.

In short, web development makes me a bad person. I don’t like how often it puts me face-to-face with the realities of bureaucracy, stupidity, corporate lackeyism, greed and consumerism. If I had another way of supporting myself that were viable, I would certainly consider it. More compellingly, though, I strongly believe that GS Design is deserving of my time. No company deserves the talent that they have more than them. The principles don’t simply pay lip service to employee value, they live it. And while I sometimes have my disagreements with the way things are done, I have no enmity toward their viewpoint; it is always a considerate approach, and I find that admirable.

As I say, they are the exception. Philosophically, I can barely tolerate the work I do, much less take pride in it. If I am to be a charlatan, making people believe things based on illusion, I would rather it be to the cathartic end that something like theater can provide.

6. General Life Maintenance, including friendship

With all this going on in my head, I am not the most pleasant person to be around, I am sure. Hell, I would not expect anyone to have even read through the self-pitying ramblings above to even reach point 6.

Without intending to, I alienate people with my life. When I have time, I spend it attempting to sculpt my body into a better instrument for my pursuits. The wolves of age are already closing in around me. I hear them in the woods. They are not representative solely of entropic physical decline, however. Men — and by that I mean, mankind, but I think perhaps men feel this more than women in some regards — are plagued by the certainty of death and the meaningless of life. It is true for me, at least.

I don’t mean that in any sort of morbid or maudlin way, despite the somewhat poetic phrasing. I mean that I am nearing that age where Jesus did his most remembered work, and I have essentially nothing to show for it. Writing? My truest work came from the heightened emotions of high school and college and are similarly tainted by that perspective. Acting? The roles where I exceled were seen by very few people and moved fewer. Teaching? Refuge of the coward, more often than not, and my best students seem to have forgotten what I was really trying to teach.

Thousands of words of purging this sort of thing, but the struggle persists. I don’t know what it takes to be happy. I was lacksadaisical most of my life, and happy at times. This year and the last few I have plowed ahead at full steam to much the same effect. Balance, teaches the Buddha. Bollocks, says the Steelbuddha.