Making another attempt at a “perfect” day. I’ve had several in the past week or so. Perhaps coincidentally, I’ve also had some of the most knock-down, drag-out fights with myself and with M. I’m trying not to see fault, not to assign blame, and instead to see two human beings who are trying to be true to themselves, while making the sadly necessary compromises that come with a union.

In the past few weeks, I feel like there have been a lot of words that I have latched on to that are about not allowing myself to see my life as difficult. Not in the “it’s not coal mining,” or “there are starving children in Africa” sort of way, but rather in the looking directly at my own life, without comparison, and see that the only difficulties are in my mind. Yes, the speeding tickets sucked a lot of energy from me, but I have the means to handle them, and the discipline to overcome them.

AI says frequently to her students to not acknowledge questions about how difficult acting is. Amanda Palmer says, in her Ukulele Anthem, to:

quit the bitching on your blog
and stop pretending art is hard
just limit yourself to three chords
and do not practice daily
you’ll minimize some stranger’s sadness
with a piece of wood and plastic
holy fuck it’s so fantastic

(Obviously, that first line hits pretty hard. I have some Amanda Palmers in my life, too, caring and unafraid to kick me in the ass when I’m too Droopy Dog, so thanks to Root for being the most obvious one.) My guided meditations on headspace.com also aim to remove the obstacles that depression and cynicism build up.

At 40 years old, the brain must already be hardening and locking into patterns. Breaking those down are, indeed, difficult, but it can seem impossible from inside to separate what is cynicism and what is identity. Often, psychology wants one to let go of nostalgia while at the same time spending time with those who “knew you when.” It’s akin to restoring a backup on a computer from when it was not corrupted by a glut of data and malware. The analogy falls down, however, because I always worry when I restore a backup that I will lose something important gained in the time between. Progress, improvement, these are of utmost importance to me, but to be honest, have I gained life lessons in the past few years, or only deepened the grooves of cynicism that will not allow me to open my mind further?

Winston Churchill’s famous quip about gradually becoming conservative makes a lot of sense both scientifically and philosophically. I have no great love for tradition, and I am quite suspicious of nostalgia, but there are some values that I honor that have no place as society marches forward. If I dismiss my values in favor of an ever-changing world, what separates me from the “creepy” college professor who goes to the frat parties? All sexual impropriety aside — and more and more, I feel like there really is no such thing — one still wishes to admonish that behavior as unbecoming and unenlightened. When considering it from an objective perspective, a cosmic perspective of  a more realistic timeline, doesn’t embracing the new become the only intelligent and wise option? In thirty years, those who cling to past ideals will be gone, and the new will replace the old. Well, considering our current political climate, that may not hold true, actually. History repeats.

Too much for one brain to resolve. Back to playing ukulele. History repeats.