I just haven’t had anything worth saying.

One of these swords has the unique claim that the blade itself weighs over 100 lbs. Read the fine print first. Then enjoy.

Miscellaneous Blades

Titles I hereby bestow upon George Lucas in light of his continued desctruction of his own accidental masterpieces from the early 70’s (an homage to McSweeney’s Lists):

Defiler of Memories
Wonder-reaver
Ruiner of Heroes
Pilferer of Joy
He Who Should Not Write Dialogue
Profit-mongering Awesomeness Collapser

Care to add any?

So, MHG visited some anime thing this weekend to promote her new online store which meant that I had to make the online store a reality before anyone went to visit it. In the interest of promotion, both self and otherwise, I bring you:

Cy•Ren Gear and Games

If you’re so inclined, throw a link our way. We could use the meta-promotion of link popularity. I’ll be your best friend.

Last night, MHG and I were up late (she worked until 3a.m., God bless her) working on her online store. As we searched Da Web for images, we came across a Magic: the Gathering card with a little picture of Isaac from the Love Boat on it. This prompted me to intone The Love Boat theme song repeatedly in my brain as I stumblingly made our bacon and eggs.

In some yet unjustified leap of subject matter, my brain then skipped to singing “I’m burnin’, I’m burnin’, I’m burnin’ for you.” I haven’t any idea which artist created the song, nor what the song is actually called, but there it was like Big Bird crossing the street against the lights, unexpected and unavoidable.

As though to make it up to me, my brain tried to turn it into a joke. To this end it made the giant leap of changing the lyric to “I’m Vernon, I’m Vernon, etc.” Apart from the brief vision of Charo shaking and singing the song in her trilling soprano, this was not the comedy goldmine that my dreaming self seemed to think it was. So, I tried to apply my vast intellect to the problem.

The best I came up with was to write a punk song called “I’m your Vernon Jordan.” A love song, you see, with a bridge section that is a cover of the aforementioned shitty song. Better than my first idea of an internet meme flash movie of Uncle Vernon from the Harry Potter movies doing a little 4 frame dance with a dislocated-looking jaw.

I’m your Vernon Jordan by punk band Killdumpster
(with apologies,since I have almost no real knowledge of the problem surrounding him)

You’re in the spotlight
Arkansas’ hot nights
You need someone to get you outta the fire

Got a dispute over land
Baby just take my hand
‘Cause I’m your well-respected, perjury-lovin’ liar!

Let me be your Vernon Jordan!
Let me tell the truth accordin’ to what’s best for you!
Let me be your Vernon Jordan!

I’m Vernon, I’m Vernon, I’m Vernon for you!

—

Something like that. I never said it would be good.

Von Herwig, Man of La Machina, clued me in to these hilarious new Eugene Mirman epics. Keep in mind these are real calls. I’ve mirrored thm here, but please click on the link below and show him some link love.

Anti-Gay Phone Company
Anti-Gay Phone Company: Part 2

Call me an alarmist, but to me this is just viral marketing. These companies are preying on the ignorance of some people in order to make money. It’s absolutely sick. And by sick, I mean AWESOME. And by AWESOME, I mean Republican.

Eugene Mirman: Latest News and Shows

Some weird God-related web nonsense.

God.com would like you to remember that God does not have or need a website.

CNN.com – Jesus Christ in legal battle to get license – May 10, 2005

For Mother’s Day, MHG suggested we take her mum to see Kingdom of Heaven when she got into town. I’m a bad son and had been too distracted to solidify plans with my mother to do anything. She’s a busy lady, so I’m sure she got a lot done in my absence.

This was not a film I had expected to see. In fact, being without television and radio for most of the time, I hadn’t heard a thing about it. MHG mentioned something about the crusades and Liam Neeson, which was enough to pique my interest, and apparently her mother’s. Apart from the brief Liam Neeson in the very beginning, however, I think I left more satisfied than she.

Ridley Scott produced and directed this epic about Jerusalem, with no attempt to veil the subtextual message about the Iraqi War. The opening credits of his production company, Scott Free, gave the impression of a very film-student-oriented approach. And for the first hour and a half or so, you can see why this director has earned his spurs and that he may be making an attempt to return to his film roots. Scott makes Orlando Bloom into a quiet, principled and simple man. And you believe that Bloom has spent many a hard year as a blacksmith (again) and humble servant of God.

Until he talks too much. I would have to characterize Bloom’s acting in the same way as I do Keanu Reeves, at least in this film. I don’t harp on Reeves in the same way most do; Reeves has very expressive face and body language, and often performs well enough. It is his voice which is flat and lacking in emotion, even when he strains to convince the audience otherwise. In this way, he is suited fairly well to action heroes or quiet types.

Similar is Orlando Bloom, whose face tells a great story. But when left in the climax of the film to rally the troops, his speech and presence fail and what could have brought this film to the peak of an emotional crescendo instead drops it flat on its face. Bloom’s slack is picked up admirably by strong-faced newcomer Ghassan Massoud, but not enough to balance the two sides. Scott does a fine job of making neither side seem like the “bad guy,” but you end up admiring Saladin (Massoud) and dreading another speech by Balein (Bloom).

Even when you accept the good writing/bad delivery scenario, the director trips again, this time into the typical Ridley Scott fascination with shakily-shot, gory battle scenes. The defense of Jerusalem goes on far too long, despite the realism of stretching a battle over several days. Soon, the violence is glossed over. The ground-stirring speeches attempting to raise morale are off-handedly played by Bloom, who looks more like an actor who’s got nowhere to go than a war-weary general trying to fight on principle.

The love story is a laughable echo of that from Gladiator, and the latter third of the film seems like Scott’s gotten into a rut similar to Mel Gibson’s hero-mold from Braveheart.

This film will make you believe in its greatness, even with a heavy-handed message about peace in the Middle East. (MHG: “I didn’t need that last byline or whatever; I got the point.”) Liam Neeson, Jeremy Irons, David Thewlis and I guess Edward Norton or Jon Finch (King Baldwin and Jerusalem are credited; I’m not sure who is who) deliver star-cementing performances (welcome back, Jeremy).

If possible, cut the movie’s war scenes by 50% and most of Bloom’s speeches and you’ve really got something. Knowing Ridley Scott’s idea of pacing though, the director’s cut will probably feature 22 more minutes of beautifully shot boredom.

Czeltic Girl points out the funny. Not related to this thing my boss sent me. This is the kind of thing that my boss sends me; my job/workplace kinda rules in its way. Knowing my luck, this will be the only post anyone reads on my blog and it’s so…dirty. I love it.

Alien Loves Predator: In New York, no one can hear you scream.

Sweet lord, deliver us. Before you click the link for the movie below, which I nabbed from tvgasm, be sure to read the primer at izzlepfaff.

In addition to that list of apologies, I would like to apologize to my sister, who is at this time an awkward, autistic teenager and who likely will have to deal with being equated to this character on many levels. Possibly even by my own family.

Rosie O’Donnell stars in Riding the Bus with my Sister. [.mov, 1.8MB]